Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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