Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
