I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
