I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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