I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
