there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
