Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
