The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
