Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
