I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
