I think i peed on brittanys purse
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
