I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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