how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
