I just threw up on my dentist
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
