I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
