Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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