This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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