Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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