i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
