sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
