so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
