you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
