Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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