There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
