How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
