just tell him i said nine months
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
