I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
