Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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