He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
