The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
