i just wanna soil my oats bro
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
