I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My dick has a subreddit
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
