We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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