Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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