You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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