My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i think i just lost a toe
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