Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
