I wish I only lived at night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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