I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
