There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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