I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
