i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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