The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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