i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
