Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
