You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
two words: eviction party
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
