Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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