i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
