first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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