Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
