me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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